Ways to Help Your Loved One Die in the Peace & Love of Christ by Terelyn Santos
What do we hope to hear at the end of our life?
“Come, you blessed of my Father. Possess the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.” (Matthew 25:34) .
After caring for the dying as a chaplain for many years and even my own parents, I have felt called by God to write this resource for families who journey with their loved ones in the last days of their life on earth
In order not to miss important points and to make them more readily accessible when needed, I have divided this topic by headings:
Ethical Issues: We believe in the dignity and the inherent value of every human life from conception to natural death (CCC 2258-2317). For this reason, if there are any concerns about the ethical or moral treatment of your loved one, you can present and discuss the situation with a Catholic bioethicist at the National Catholic Bioethicist Center in Washington D.C. at no charge. They have a bioethicist on call 24 hours/day (215-877-2660 for emergencies) or contact them by email (https://www.ncbcenter.org/ask-a-question)
Forgiveness: In Matthew 6:9-15, the Lord teaches us how to pray well in teaching us the Our Father prayer. After he teaches this, he immediately emphasized the importance of forgiveness contained in the prayer. In fact, Jesus also mentions in Matthew 18:35 that if we do not forgive others from our hearts, we ourselves will not be forgiven. This is a condition to enter into the Kingdom of God. For this primary reason, it is extremely important that the dying person be given opportunity to do this. Each member of the family or close friend should have the opportunity to be alone in the loved one’s room privately to ask the loved one for forgiveness for any wrongs done and also to grant forgiveness to the dying loved one. For example: “Dad, I want you to know that I love you. If there is any time that I have offended you, I sincerely apologize. Please forgive me, dad. I also want you to know that if you think you’ve ever offended me, there isn’t anything. (If there is, please mention it and forgive the loved one with the grace of God.) I’m at peace and I want you to be at peace.” To forgive from our heart means that we must WILL it by the grace of God. This doesn’t mean the memory of the event(s) will be erased from our minds, but in forgiving we and our dying loved one are both set free from the chains that have held us in spiritual and emotional bondage.
Letting our loved one go: Many times, I have had people ask me why their loved one is still alive, why they haven’t died. My question is always, “Has all the family been in to see your loved one?” More times than not, there was one or two family members that had not been in to see the dying loved one due to distance, work, not wanting to let the person die, or at times sadly, due to unforgiveness issues. Not too long after that person would arrive and have time alone with the dying person, the loved one would peacefully pass on to eternal life. It’s important to tell your loved one that you love them, give permission for them to go on to eternal life, and that you will be okay. This will give both of you peace.
Environment in the room: When a loved one is dying, we should do everything possible to aide them to desire and prepare for Eternal Life with God. It is important that religious Icons of Jesus, Our Lady, favorite saints, relics, Holy Water, and a Crucifix be in the room. A CD player or an ipod can be used to play his/her favorite religious music, soothing sacred music, and Scripture whenever no one is the room or no one is actively praying in the room. It is important for the dying person to hear the Word of God and music that praises the Lord so he/she may sing along silently in their heart and help elevate their soul towards perfect praise of God. Due to the viciousness of the spiritual enemy in the last days of a person’ life, it is very important that holy water be used to bless the room and spiritual warfare prayers be said every morning and night (including the St Michael prayer, Hail Mary and Our Father). Conversations about the dying loved one should be taken outside of the room. The last sense to go before death is hearing. Although unconscious, the dying loved one may still hear.
Prayers to be said daily: Reading aloud the daily Mass readings, Sacred Scripture especially the favorite Scriptures of the dying loved one, other Scriptures (St Augustine had these on his wall as he was dying and had them read to him: Psalm 6,32,38,51,102,130,143:1-11) and prayers at the USCCB website (http://www.usccb.org/prayer-and-worship/bereavement-and-funerals/prayers-for-death-and-dying.cfm), the Rosary, the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, the Memorare, prayers to St Joseph (patron of the dying), Litanies (of the saints, Our Lady, Sacred Heart, etc), and any favorite prayers of the dying loved one that would also give him/her comfort. Praying the Rosary and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy daily as a family around the bedside is very important. There are many, many promises associated with both. They are also spiritual weapons for your loved one. https://fathersofmercy.com/promises-attached-to-chaplet-of-divine-mercy/
Offering Holy Masses before death: Last point, but so very important to know is the offering of Holy Mass for the loved one before he/she dies. Holy Mass is the highest form of prayer. There is no other prayer that gives more graces to a soul than Holy Mass. Hence, when a person is dying, they truly need all those graces to prepare their soul for the Eternal Life. This link explains this well. https://catholicbooks.net/99-9-of-catholics-do-not-know-these-facts-about-the-mass/
Invoking the powerful intercession of the Mother of God in the last days: This is the most important point I need to make – where Our Lady is, the devil is not. Hence, it is important to pray the Rosary, Memorare, the Hail Mary, and other Marian prayers asking our Lady to cover your loved one with her Blue Mantle of Protection and intercede for the salvation of your loved one’s soul. Our Lady is faithful! Let me say this again, Our Lady is ALWAYS FAITHFUL! She wants to help, but you need to ask her. “O whoever you may be who feel yourself on the tide of this world drifting in storms and tempests rather than treading firm ground, turn not your eyes from the effulgence of this star, unless you wish to be submerged … if she holds you, you do not fall, if she protects you, you have no fear; with her to lead you, you tire not; with her favour, you will reach your goal, conscious thus within yourself how rightly the word was spoken: ‘And the Virgin’s name was Mary.’” Bernard, Homily 2:17, Respice stellam (ante A.D. 1153).”
Seek the Help of your Spiritual Father, St Joseph, patron saint of a holy death: https://www.ewtn.com/catholicism/devotions/prayer-to-st-joseph-334
Sacramentals: If your loved one was enrolled in the Brown Scapular (https://www.sistersofcarmel.com/faqs-the-brown-scapular/) during their life, please make sure he/she is wearing it around their neck. Consider adding a Miraculous Medal and a St Benedict’s medal to the scapular. Keep a Crucifix and rosary in their hands. Holding on to sacramentals like these brings comfort to the dying. Use Holy Water to bless them frequently during the day making the sign of the Cross on their forehead. “I ask the Lord to bless you…”
Receiving the Eucharist daily and Viaticum: As we know, the Eucharist is the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Jesus Christ. In receiving the Eucharist, Jesus tells us in John 6:54, “He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” If your loved one is able, he/she should receive the Eucharist daily. In the last hours of life, your dying loved one should receive the Eucharist for the last time, referred to as Viaticum. This sacrament helps them pass from this life to the next. (CCC1524-1525)
Anointing of the Sick: It is important to call a priest to give this sacrament to your loved one. (If your loved one is still conscious enough to do so, Confession should be offered first.) The Anointing the Sick will give strength, peace, and healing of the soul (forgiveness of sins) to the dying person. It unites their suffering with the suffering of Christ crucified. Although I have seen two people actually physically healed from this sacrament, it is not the norm. It is always whatever God wills. But for the sick person who is open to it, the grace of this sacrament imparts spiritual healing that is necessary for your loved one to be ready to enter into Eternal Life. https://www.catholic.com/tract/anointing-of-the-sick
Apostolic (Blessing) Pardon at the Hour of Death: This is an extraordinary gift, a plenary indulgence, given by the Holy Catholic Church for a person who is dying. It is given by a Catholic priest after the Anointing of the Sick with the closing of these words, “Through the holy mysteries of our redemption may almighty God release you from all punishments in this life and in the life to come. May he open to you the gates of paradise and welcome you to everlasting joy” or “By the authority which the Apostolic See has given me, I grant you a full pardon and the remission of all your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” Yes, FULL remission of all the temporal punishment due to your dying loved one’s sins is given! The only time it wouldn’t apply is if the dying person actually rejected it. Please read the NCR article below. Many priests are not aware of this prayer. You should ask for it. If you didn’t hear these words said, then the Apostolic Pardon was not given. We should all make an effort to do this for everyone. Keep the prayer in your cell phone, in your wallet, or in a place at your home where all the family knows of its location. I have many times texted a copy of this prayer to friends who had loved ones who were dying. We would want someone to do this for us as well. How can this full pardon be possible? Let us remember Luke 23:42-43, the story of Good Thief. “Then he said, ‘Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom’. Jesus answered him, ‘Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.'” https://www.ncregister.com/features/apostolic-pardon-brings-total-forgiveness-before-deathhttps://www.simplycatholic.com/what-is-the-apostolic-pardon/
After your loved one has passed:
Offer a Plenary Indulgence for your loved one after death: “An indulgence is a remission before God of the temporal punishment due to sins whose guilt has already been forgiven, which the faithful Christian who is duly disposed gains under certain prescribed conditions through the action of the Church which, as the minister of redemption, dispenses and applies with authority the treasure of the satisfactions of Christ and the saints.” (CCC 1471) http://www.catholic.org/prayers/indulgw.php
The Three Rites of a Catholic Funeral: When your loved one has passed this life, we are called by tradition and charity to have a rosary vigil service, funeral Mass, and a graveside committal service. It gathers family, friends, and coworkers together to pray for the soul of your loved one. These links can help you plan well for these rites before or after your loved one has passed. . https://catholic-link.org/catholic-funeral-guide-how-to/ https://holyrosarychurchmphs.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Holy-Rosary-Funeral-Planning-2021-3.pdf
Questions on this document: call 210-822-8044, leave a message and we will get back to you when we can.
Prayer: Jesus, our Good Shepherd, when the end of our life comes and you bid us to come to you, we will not just walk towards you, but run to you, to the ever-loving embrace of your arms! You are the Love of our life! You are our Everything! You are the only desire of our hearts! Grant us final perseverance in the faith, the blessings of the Sacraments, the love of our family around us, the presence of our Lady and St Joseph at our bedside, the powerful prayers of the saints, protection of the holy angels, and total confidence in all you have promised us! Amen. Our Lady, our dear and faithful Mother, be with us, protect us, and intercede for us “now and at the hour of our death. Amen”.