When We Fail Repentance, Discouragement, and Beginning Agai
We have been learning to see the predominant fault, to practice the opposing virtue, to discern the movements of consolation and desolation, and to give our good intentions the structure of a simple rule. All of this work is real. Yet even with these helps, we will fall. The fall may be in the same area we have been fighting for weeks or months. It may feel like proof that nothing has changed.
In that moment, two dangers present themselves. The first is to minimize the fault: to treat it as insignificant, to move on without contrition or amendment, as if grace excused habitual failure rather than healed it. The second is to collapse into discouragement: to turn the gaze inward, to rehearse the failure, to conclude that the effort is useless or that God has grown tired of us. Both responses leave the soul occupied with itself. Neither returns us to God or to the concrete work of restoration.
The Catholic spiritual tradition offers a more direct path. Failure does not disprove the work of grace. What matters is what we do in the next five minutes. True repentance is not a feeling or a long interior drama. It is a swift, humble turning back to God through concrete acts: a sincere act of contrition, reparation for any harm done to others, one small practical amendment, and an immediate return to prayer or duty. Sacramental confession follows as needed. This sequence keeps the soul from both presumption and paralysis. Grace restores the soul through fidelity in the next good thing.
Good thing. I think that we have to take some level of consolation from this cross, and in that we know that falls are to be expected. Our Lord fell. The first time that He fell, let’s learn from that. We shouldn’t be astonished when we fall.
So that first failure. “I’m sorry. Again today, I shouted at my children. I just did not get myself motivated. I just sat down and looked at my phone. I burst into tears when my husband told me that I looked terrible in the dress I was wearing.” Whatever it is, right? That first fall, my reaction was not appropriate.
Our Lord fell, and Our Lady was there to help Him. You’re going to fall again. What happens on that second fall? What happens to Our Lord? Simon and Veronica, right? There’s always going to be someone.
When you fall, okay, it doesn’t matter if you fell as much as it matters how you respond. And I loved how you pointed out those two temptations that you’re going to fall into. “Oh, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that I yelled at my kid. It doesn’t matter that I burst into tears. God understands who I am,” right?
Or, “Oh my gosh, I yelled at my kids again. Oh my gosh, I burst into tears again. Oh my gosh, I sat on my phone again. I’m never going to get any better,” right?
These tendencies that we have to minimize our transgressions or overmaximize our inability to change will become true impediments to our growth in the spiritual life.
And we are weak. This has to be recognized as what’s going to happen, right? We have to intend not to fail. We have to intend to correct a fall, right? The fall is going to happen, and what is our intention? Our intention is going to be able to grow from each failure.
Know what your tendency is going to be, to excuse yourself or to accuse yourself. And when you know yourself, know your habits toward excuses or accusation, be prepared with an alternative, right?
I lived in Northern Virginia, and we would have these lovely exchanges, and I could always rely on traffic. Your best friend’s last name is Early. Obviously there’s a concern there at times, right?
But I do remember, it was a really important moment in my life. I had really been going through this kind of element where I was trying to understand who I am before man, really, right? And I arrived late and I said, “Oh my gosh, Mary, I’m sorry I’m late. It was terrible.”
And I stopped and I said, “No. It actually was fine. I don’t even know why I told you that traffic was terrible. I just got a late start, and I’m sorry for that.”
In this instance, my tendency at that point was going to excuse myself, to find some way that I could cover for it, to not look bad in someone else’s eyes. But the reality was, you knew that I had three small children. You knew that I was pregnant. To show up late was like, “Oh, you made it.” Right?
It is going to happen. I’m going to be late. I’m going to be angry. I’m going to be short tempered. It’s not so much that that’s going to happen. It’s having the foresight to know how we’re going to respond.
Look at Our Lady, Mary. Really a good place for us to start, to really go to our Mother and to find our Veronicas, because those will be given to us
The five-step sequence:
- Make an act of contrition.
- Repair what was actually damaged.
- Resolve on one small amendment.
- Return immediately to prayer or duty.
- Bring the fault to confession as needed.]
Karen Closing Reflection and Prayer
Where have I minimized my faults after falling? Where have I allowed discouragement to keep me turned inward instead of returning to God? Where have I delayed the next good act because I wanted to feel worthy or fully understand first?
Repentance is practical faith. We turn again, without delay, to Christ, repair what was harmed, and take the next small step in fidelity. Repeated falls, met with prompt repentance, can deepen humility and trust in the grace that raises us.
Let us pray.
Lord Jesus Christ, receive us each time we turn back to You. Give us sincere contrition, courage to make reparation, and fidelity to return to prayer and duty after every fall. Protect us from presumption that minimizes sin and discouragement that paralyzes the soul. May prompt repentance deepen our dependence on Your mercy and strengthen our resolve.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Sources
Francis de Sales. Introduction to the Devout Life. Translated by John K. Ryan. New York: Image Books, 1972. (Part III, Chapter 9, “On Gentleness towards Ourselves”).
Ignatius of Loyola. The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius. Translated by George E. Ganss, S.J. Chicago: Loyola Press, 1992. (Rules for the Discernment of Spirits, especially SE 318–321 on conduct in desolation).
The Holy Bible, Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition. San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 2006. (Luke 15:11–32; Psalm 51:1–19).